Beginnings

How do you move into new beginnings? Do you welcome them in like they’re  Vera Farmiga? Or  do you lock your door and shutter your windows like they’re Peter Sarsgaard? Were you nice to the new student at school or did you say stuff like “wanna pick my wedgie?” I remember I was in a reluctant hang with a new girl at recess in fourth grade and she asked me in a meek and mild new girl voice: “Are you a city mouse or a country mouse?” I remember thinking “WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?! NEVER AGAIN WILL I TALK TO THE NEW KID! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS WORRIED ABOUT.” I feel that beginning/ awkward new girl energy inside me. I am wiser, but now shy again. As soon as the gates seem to be greased for a grand reopening, I want to run and hide under Jeremy Irons leather futon that hes had for 30 years and its all cracked, and duct taped and there’s ancient coke in the cracks of the cushions. His wife begs him to get rid of it, it looks disgusting in their glam castle, but hes so stubborn and hoardery about it for no reason at all. 

 How do you know beginnings are even happening? How do you know you’re not just relapsing into an old version of you and that we all just do this until we die? For me, when I’m starting over, I often listen to bands like Goldfinger,  The Off Spring, and The Mighty Mighty Bosstones because they imprinted some sort of initial rebellion in childhood and I still depend on them for the same push into whatevers next with some level of self esteem and fuck it-ness. I know its popular to shame people for this kind of music taste, but luckily I only have that instinct with movies. I’m shameless about music. I’ve also been listening to Flo Rida tunes from 2014 and really enjoying myself. Who’s gonna stop me? God? They live in heaven!

I remember reading in some book that we need to examine our relationship to renewal and erosion. Do you lap up the erosion? Tell all your friends how hard everything you’re going through is, while ignoring the small buds of opportunity and solace that appear outside your dirty window that you smeared cum and shit all over whilst rewatching The GREAT BRITISH BAKING SHOW? Or do you celebrate the renewal and understand that the erosion is part of getting that soil nice and healthy to grow things in.  I am not a gardener so this feels disingenuous, but I do feel like everyone is raking their dirt right now; trying to get it healthy again for some new harvest, while others seem to be bypassing this step completely and are twitching to leave the dirt as is and just go, go, go! JUST PLANT THE SQUASH ALREADY!

I often change my hair when I feel this energy. It seems like a good way to chapter things. I am now blonde with my hair chopped to my chin. It’s the most fem, I have felt in awhile and I cant help but feel like I should be throwing out a net to catch some D. But that instinct dies when I feel how much anxiety I have just going into a grocery store. I just have to remember that insertion will happen again when the time is right and hopefully the song “Blue Moon” will be playing and I’ll be slow dancing with Ray Liotta outside a Soupplantation when it happens. What do all the actors I have mentioned have in common? Keep reading to find out.  

There is an eerie excitement to new beginnings like when my dopey, guitar teacher from years ago started singing Billy Joel’s ‘It’s Still Rock and Roll” and I surprisingly drenched myself, so turned on, while feeling sick at the same time.  Thats how I feel, very sick and very excited. I suppose the end of my twenties gave me a new beginning into a new decade. Thirty has felt like a life review meditation and given me  a banger of insight, and forgiveness for all the times that I handed myself sand paper and said “here go wipe yourself with this” 

Hopefully, if you feel you are starting over now you’re rooting out the poison weeds first. Don’t be Jeremy Irons, get rid of the leather futon covered in cum. I’ve been off line since the Shrimp Cinnamon Toast Crunch debacle. It was very clarifying in how meaningless a large percentage of my focus was pointed towards and shook me out of scrolling for awhile. The whole thing made me feel terribly embarrassed for my brain. I  haven’t been able to look at social media since. Perhaps, this is my new beginning.

And finally all the actors aforementioned in this piece are going to star in the new broadway musical “Shrimp In My Cinnamon Toast!” Think of the snacks at theater refreshment and you cant help but smile!! This is an incredible business opportunity!! 2021 is looking up!!